Gone in 60 Seconds
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: When I'm bored I like to write SI stories, most of which are even crazier than my usual fare. An SI of me in Sunnydale would die quicker than an overweight, three legged zebra wading across a crocodile infested river in Africa. Of course SIs don't become vamps, that only happens to NPCs!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own no property claimed by any media company.**

John blinked and looked around, surprised to find himself in a smoky nightclub filled with teens.

Finding that he himself was a teen again was even more of a surprise.

"Hello handsome, come here often?" a blonde girl asked.

"Not as often as I'd like," John replied, making sure not to bury his face in her cleavage as was his first instinct and looking into a pair of amazingly clear blue eyes. The flawless pale skin, ruby red lips, and impressive track were striking a chord in his memory, unfortunately his penis was much too loud to be heard over it.

"Maybe I can help change that," she said with a grin.

Long story short: back alley blow job, fade to black…

John blinked and felt around. "I'm in a box, in a monkey suit," he muttered. "This is not good."

He was surprised at how easy the roof of his coffin and the ground above it was to tear apart, reaching the surface quickly and brushing himself off, much quicker than he would have thought possible.

"This all seems familiar," he muttered. "And not in a good way."

"What was your first clue?" asked a feminine voice behind him.

John spun around. "You!" he said accusingly and then frowned. "No, not you."

"Yes, me," the short blonde disagreed.

"No, not you," he argued. "She was taller, had bigger boobs, and blonde was her natural hair color."

"There is nothing wrong with my rack!"

"I didn't say there was anything wrong with it, I said hers were bigger."

"Buff, didn't you say you had things to do tonight?" a dark haired teen asked.

"Thanks for reminding me, Xan," Buffy replied before pulling out a wooden stake.

"And what are you planning to do with that?" John demanded.

"I'm going to stick this were the sun don't shine," Buffy swore, pissed about the casual dismissal of her rack.

"Rape! Police!" John yelled, running away.

Buffy automatically chased him like a cat after a mouse. "Get back here!"

"Never! Help, mad rapist with a wooden dildo!"

Xander turned to Giles. "I can safely say I've never seen a vampire do that before."

"What do we do?" Willow asked anxiously.

"Wait," Giles said. "Not much else we can do, we simply aren't as fast as her."

About a minute later the vampire ran past them, with Buffy in pursuit, still yelling for the police.

 **Half an hour later…**

"That is some stamina," Xander said, as the vampire continued running with Buffy huffing in pursuit.

"Which one?" Willow asked.

"Both."

Buffy collapsed at their feet panting. "Water!"

"Fire, flood, fondue!" the vampire yelled as it vanished into the darkness.

"I'm going to stake that vampire if it's the last thing at I do," Buffy swore.

"Not tonight you're not," Giles said. "We still have things to do."

"He looked familiar," Xander said.

"John Flint," Willow read off the notepad she kept with her. "I think we have him in PE class."

"Really?"

"Yeah, he's the guy who doesn't like sunlight and is always reading a book."

"Talk about irony," Buffy said. "Is he in track?"

"No, he hates running," Willow said. "He said he'll only run if chased."

"Wow," Buffy said shaking her head. "Just wow."

Ditching the slayer left John confused but still alive. Checking his pockets he found that they'd buried him with his keys and wallet. He wasn't sure if it was done to avoid pissing off returnees or because there was no one to give his personal effects to, but he was thankful all the same.

Following his fragmented and scattered memories, he wandered around until we found a bar called: Willy's Alibi Room.

 **AN: This was just a strange idea I had for an SI. I figured he wouldn't last very long at all before getting turned and having to run for his unlife.**


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm thirsty," John told the bartender.

The weaselly little man backed up. "No feeding off the bartender!"

John made a face. "That's disgusting."

"I'm glad you think so," Willy agreed. "What can I get you?"

"Well, as I was saying, I just clawed my way out of my coffin and spent the next half-hour running from some blonde girl who wanted to give me a wooden suppository, I am thirsty!"

"I've got just what you need," Willy promised, vanishing under the bar to return a second later with a quart container of red liquid.

John took a sip and smacked his lips. "This is blood, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Willy agreed. "10% human with a combination of cattle and sheep making up the rest, so even a Jewish vampire can imbibe without a problem and at a price everyone can afford."

"Sort of a blood cocktail?" John asked taking another sip.

"Exactly," Willy said enthusiastically. "Straight human has got to get boring after a while and with people's diets these days it's probably way too fattening. Willy's blood cocktail is perfect for when you want a drink that won't make you fat, and feel like spending a night doing your own thing."

John pulled out his wallet and took out a couple of bills. "Gimme a bunch, I'm a couple of quarts low."

* * *

Unlocking the door to his studio apartment, he stumbled in and made his way to the fridge, wincing at the light as he opened it and put away the case of pint-size bottles filled with Willy's special blend. Looking around he couldn't tell if someone had gone through his stuff or not. 'I really should hire a maid,' he thought, the idea of actually cleaning himself so foreign as to be ignored. Dropping his clothes in a line straight to his bed, John crawled under the covers and fell instantly asleep.

 ***BEEP*BEEP*BEEP***

John groaned and crawled out of bed, mindlessly going through his daily ritual of getting ready for school. Generally you could count on him not being fully awake until at least second period and today, despite recent events, was no exception.

"Mr. Flint?" the teacher asked.

"Yeah?" John asked looking up from the book he was reading.

"I do believe your funeral was a few days ago, would you care to explain?" Mrs. Jensen, his homeroom teacher asked.

"No idea, he said with a shrug. I woke up in a coffin and there was a lot of running and screaming involved. I'm guessing I had an allergic reaction and slipped into a coma, then some quack decided I was dead and tried to bury me. All I know is it was not a good night."

"Well until I get some paperwork saying you're alive and reinstated as a student I'm afraid you can't attend classes."

John groaned and gathered up his things. "This is going to be a pain."

"I gotta use the bathroom," Buffy said as soon as the door closed behind John.

"That's 'may I use the bathroom' Miss Summers," the teacher said with a glare.

"Why are you asking me?" Buffy said, confused. "You're the teacher."

Mrs. Jensen rubbed her temples. "Go Miss Summers, just go."

"Thanks," Buffy said hurrying after John. She saw him rounding a corner and sprinted after him.

"What are you doing out of class with all your possessions?" Snyder demanded.

"Mrs. Jensen said I can't return to class until she gets paperwork saying I'm alive," John explained. "Apparently my word isn't good enough."

Buffy skidded around the corner unable to stop herself.

"Running in the halls," Snyder said with a grin as he spotted her. "I believe that's detention."

"I...uh, have to go really bad," Buffy said quickly.

"I don't care," Snyder sneered. "Detention for both of you, have a nice day."

The two teens watched as Snyder strode off, a happy smile on his face.

"Joy, I have detention in the school I can't even attend until I get my birth certificate renewed," John cursed.

"How are you walking in sunlight?" Buffy demanded.

"You?" John exclaimed. "You're the psycho from last night. He pulled a whistle from under his shirt and put it to his lips. "I've got a rape whistle and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Buffy backed away, not needing the attention, as John quickly put as much distance as possible between them. Unsure of what was going on she decided to consult with Giles. Being careful not to run into Snyder again she hit the library. "Giles, we have trouble!"

Giles looked up from the book he was reading.

"Remember the running man from the other night? Well, he's in school today."

"What? Are you sure?" Giles asked.

"Oh yeah, recognize me and pulled out a rape whistle. I don't suppose you have an explanation?"

"I – I suppose it's possible the vampire who tried to turn him made a mistake," Giles admitted.

"Made a mistake?" Buffy asked. "How does that work?"

"Well the vampire feeds their blood to the nearly drained individual, but... And this is just a guess mind you, if the person went into shock and slipped into a coma-like state that the vampire mistook for the individual dying, then the blood wouldn't turn them into a vampire it would've just made them a blood ghoul."

"And how do you kill a blood ghoul?" Buffy asked.

"You don't," Giles said firmly. "A blood ghoul is just a human with a measure of vampiric power gained from drinking vampire blood. It wears off in a day or so."

"So... I almost staked a human?" Buffy asked worriedly.

"We don't know that for sure yet, Giles assured her. "The odds against it happening are astronomical, but if it worries you use a squirt gun filled with holy water, as Willow suggested, to test the risers."

"I'll do that," Buffy said relieved. "Thanks, Giles."

* * *

John sighed and pulled a book from his backpack to read while waiting. The lines at the DMV took forever and he was almost positive it was what being stuck in limbo was like, but they always knew with what line you needed to be in to get something done. He looked at the long line that wound back and forth in front of him inside. 'This is going to take forever!'

 **AN: Bless Dragon Naturally Speaking.**

 **AN2: SIs don't die from being turned, that only happens to the NPCs.**


	3. Chapter 3

"Next!"

John stepped forward. "I need to get my birth certificate re-activated and my death certificate revoked."

"Wrist," she replied, bored, as if she'd done this a thousand times before.

"Pardon?"

"Give me your wrist please," she said, obviously restraining herself from commenting on his intelligence.

He quickly extended his left arm.

She placed two fingers against his wrist and stared at her watch for a minute. "Go to line G and you can get a provisional life certificate," she said. "It's good for one hundred and twenty days, after which you'll have to get it renewed."

"I have to come here every four months?" he groaned.

"You can renew by mail," she said blandly. "Next!"

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

"We can get vampire powers by drinking vampire blood?" Xander asked.

"Yes, however it's incredibly dangerous," Giles told him.

"What's the danger?" Xander asked seriously. "And does it apply to vampire ash, because we've all all-but-snorted lines of the stuff."

"Restraining a vampire to get blood from them is incredibly dangerous," Giles said. "Plus, you also have to deal with more than just adjusting to an increase in strength and speed, you also have to deal with a vampire's appetite. And if you die with a vampire's blood in your system, you'll rise just like any other vampire."

"That's it?" Xander asked.

"That's not enough?!" Giles demanded.

"Not really," Xander said, shaking his head. "What we do is dangerous, and if a couple of us were as strong as vamps—rather than just Buffy—getting the blood would be safer than patrolling. I'm not worried about rising as a vamp, because if I die, I trust one of you will shove a number two pencil into my heart so I can get a good life's sleep. The vamp appetites sounds worrisome, but that's about all."

"The more times you drink blood from a vampire, the more power he or she gains over you," Giles said seriously.

"Only counts if you haven't dusted the vamp after draining him," Xander countered.

Giles took off his glasses and polished them.

"Also, the whole 'blood drinking' bit? A major turn off," Buffy said, trying to steer Xander away from the idea.

"Yes, I can tell from your dating habits," Xander said sarcastically.

"Blood...is the cornerstone of so very much," Giles said somberly. "I have a book that can explain it much better than I can."

"It's...unsanitary," Willow tried, "and definitely not kosher."

"Fortunately, I'm not Jewish," Xander replied as Giles returned with a book that he then handed to him. "Or maybe not so fortunate. This is Hebrew."

"The foremost authority on blood was, and wrote it, yes," Giles replied.

"Well, that's that," Buffy said happily.

"I can read Hebrew," Xander said, to Buffy and Giles' surprise. "My best friend since forever is Jewish. I have a Hebrew-to-English dictionary and a good amount of practice, I just hate doing it because I'm really slow."

"Good," Giles said. "'Slow' means you'll have time to think about what you're reading."

"And I'm reading...fluidic salt and sacrilege?" Xander asked as he mentally rechecked it.

"Nicely done," Giles said in approval. "Blood, sweat, and tears, and...other bodily fluids contain salt, which is necessary for life. And salt is used in quite a number of rituals. Hiram studied the usage, links between the fluids, and the amount of religious strictures broken."

"Now that's thorough," Xander said, impressed.

"Indeed," Giles said, satisfied that he'd impressed upon Xander the importance of the topic. "It's used as a reference by all blood mages, it's so thorough. The dangers to one's own life and soul are described in minute detail. He really was quite brilliant. Swear you'll read the entire book carefully and I'll remove all objections to your plans."

"What?!" Buffy exclaimed.

"He's positive that, when Xander understands the risks, he won't go through with it," Willow explained.

"Ah," Buffy said, calming down.

"I read this entire book and prove I understand the risks, you have to help me if I decide to go through with it," Xander countered.

"Agreed."

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

A week went by in which Buffy kept an eye on John, who'd returned with all the paperwork needed to attend school again, but other than his obvious liquid diet, he showed no signs of any murderous intent or special abilities beyond being able to run faster than Buffy.

There was a brief bit of excitement involving a snake demon and a frat party, but Xander still continued his slow crawl through Hiram's work, absolutely fascinated by what he was reading. Giles was shocked by the depth of understanding Xander demonstrated when they discussed each chapter.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

John looked through the costumes Ethan had out and tried to decide who to go as. He'd spotted what had looked to be a Vash the Stampede outfit, only to discover it was a mislabeled Alucard outfit.

"Can I help you?" Ethan asked from right behind him.

"Ack!" John jumped about ten feet in the air and was nothing more than a blur as he hit the ground and ran from the aisle.

"What the hell was that?!" Ethan demanded in shock.

"The quick and the dead," Xander said.

"Ah!" Ethan yelped and spun around. He would have fallen into a rack of armored knight outfits, but Xander caught him and helped him keep his feet. "Okay, maybe I shouldn't sneak up on people."

 **After Halloween...**

"Any side effects?" Giles asked everyone.

"I bumped my nose trying to walk through a door," Willow offered.

"A terrible urge to knit," Buffy replied. "And I now speak French fluently."

"Xander?" Giles asked.

Xander looked up from the complex diagram he'd been working on. "What?"

"Are there any side effects from last night?"

"Massive improvement in knowledge and language skills," Xander reported.

"How did that come about?" Giles asked.

"And where were you last night?" Buffy demanded. "I almost got eaten by bigfoot!"

"You're the schmuck who decided to dress as Lady Useless. Don't blame me for your mistakes," Xander said. "If you must know, I dressed as Hiram."

"Hiram who?" Giles asked intently.

Xander held up the book and grinned. "He left out a lot more than he included, to write this book."

"How much and why?" Giles asked.

"Enough for a series, and because it was either beyond the scope by his planned work, or because he didn't wish to see it abused."

"What was it like being him?" Giles asked, ignoring the girls.

"He was brilliant!" Xander enthused. "And it all seems so simple now. Study the basics and build on proven facts and you'll rarely go wrong."

"How'd you end up dressing as him?" Buffy asked.

"John suggested it," the grinning teen replied. "He said it'd drive Snyder nuts if I accused him of racism for insulting my costume—which of course he did."

"What did John dress as?" Buffy demanded.

"Harry Potter, though he did make sure to have stuffed animals for Hedwig, Neville's toad, and a rat he called Foamy," Xander replied. "He even made little Zorro masks for them."

"He's a very strange boy," Giles said. "'Was,' anyway. I'm pretty sure I saw a Voldemort nail him with a death curse. Not sure that will take any more than being ghouled did however."

"Yes, but back to Hiram's knowledge. I have read the book in full and you're right, I was taking it far too lightly. I'm not saying I'm giving up, just that, since this is the Hellmouth, far more testing has to be done before even considering the idea."

Giles beamed. "More research?"

"More research," Xander agreed cheerfully.

 ***0*0*0*0*0*0*0***

John yawned and looked around his apartment in surprise. Harry Potter had completely redone his studio apartment into something from Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. Well, if they had a studio apartment version. He had a full bar against one wall next to a small kitchen. There was a hot tub made out of a giant cauldron in front of one of the largest TVs he'd ever seen. His bed was big enough for a dozen people and had red silk sheets that could probably be used as a parachute.

Harry had read the notes he'd left him and had gone all out, which left him very hungry. Instinctively he called out, "Dobby! Winky!"

 ***pop!***

Two very pissed teens appeared.

"Morning, Warren. Morning, Amy. Breakfast ready yet?"

 **T/N: Punctuation by Howard Russell.**


	4. Chapter 4

"I should probably give you a list of rules," John told the pair. "Rule number one: be less of a dick. Rule number two: accept responsibility for your own actions. Rule number three: don't expect to be the exception to the rules; if you do something stupid, expect it to backfire on you. Rule number four: you know demons exist and so does hell, so think carefully about where you want to spend eternity and where your actions are leading you."

Amy and Warren stared at him in shock.

"What?" he asked.

"I think you're supposed to order us to serve you and do chores," Warren said slowly.

"Let's clear up some things right now," John said. "I didn't enslave you, nor am I looking for slaves. You were made slaves by your costume choices and the whims of a capricious god. I'd order you free, but I'm pretty sure your new magic would drive you insane and kill you if I did that."

"I didn't think of that," Warren admitted.

"Neither did I," Amy added.

"Rule number five: have more self-control," John said. "I've heard it helps."

"So you aren't going to order us to do any kinky sex things?" Amy asked.

Warren made a face, horrified at the thought.

"Not unless you request it and possibly not even then," John replied. "If you need stuff to do because of the whole house elf thing, feel free to consider yourselves ordered to clean."

Warren snapped his fingers and the blender on the wet bar was suddenly clean and put away. "Cool," he said, staring at his hand.

"Feel free to pop home and clean there too," John said. "Try to live your own life in-between any cleaning needs."

"OK, I'm feeling better about this," Warren said.

"If you need anything, my door's open - unless I'm on the can or masturbating, in which case it's probably better to wait," John said.

Amy made a face.

"I could order you to answer questions truthfully," he reminded her, knowing teens of either sex spent a fair amount of time wanking.

Amy looked horrified at the thought.

"Oh yeah, no trying to harm or kill me," John added. "But feel free to research ways we can safely free you. Have I forgotten anything?"

"No, but I think we have to live here," Amy admitted. "My magic is kinda pulling at me."

"OK, I'll kill my next door neighbor and you can move in there," John said after a moment's thought, much to the horror of the two teens. "What?"

"You're going to kill your neighbor?" Amy asked weakly.

"He plays ABBA records 'til dawn while I'm trying to sleep and I think he's been stealing my newspaper," John replied. "I'm pretty sure those are signs of a demon."

"How much sleep have you been getting?" Warren asked.

"Not much," John replied. "I can't sleep at school because I'm being stalked by a sex crazed blonde, and here I have a neighbor who blasts ABBA all the time." John glared at the wall between the two apartments as ABBA's 'Take a chance on me' started playing loudly.

Amy snapped her fingers and the sound of ABBA dropped to nothing.

"Bless you!" John exclaimed ecstatically.

"We can just enlarge a closet or something," Warren said, pushing John towards his bed. "You catch up on your sleep."

"OK," John agreed, collapsing face down on his bed not three second later, fully clothed and starting to snore.

"Great, we've enslaved ourselves to a lunatic," Warren groaned.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

John stumbled to the shower, half awake. He wasn't much better coming out of the shower and stared in surprise at the clothes laid out on his bed that he didn't recall putting there. With a shrug he got dressed and decided to spike his blood with Red Bull since he was so out of it.

Amy leaned against the dresser and watched him change into the clothes she'd laid out for him, using her house elf abilities to remain unseen. 'Being a house elf might not be all bad,' she thought to herself with a grin. She'd reserve judgment until she discovered if she could 'clean' the boys' locker room at school.

"You are such a pervert," Warren said after John had left for school.

Amy rolled her eyes. "Like you aren't going to 'clean' the girls' locker room."

"I... I can do that, can't I?" Warren said in surprise.

"Any place he regularly hangs out is fair game for cleaning," Amy said, "and that means all of Sunnydale High."

"That works," Warren said slowly. "We need to get him to hang out in a few places with large collections of books on magic so we can free ourselves, but in the meantime this might not be so bad."

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"How can I help you?" Giles asked, trying not to give away the fact that he thought of John as anything but a normal student.

John looked around cautiously, making sure Buffy was nowhere nearby. "I need a couple of books."

"On?" Giles asked.

"Avoiding fatal attraction type girls, the fae, and the basic rules of magic and the safe use of," John said.

"I don't believe the school board would allocate funds for any books of that nature," Giles said.

"Fatal attraction type girls?" asked Willow, unable not to say anything as she and Xander were looking through a stack of odd demonic tomes nearby.

"The kind that chase you around with sex toys," John said slowly.

"Wooden dildo," Xander snickered, putting two and two together as he recalled when Buffy chased John around the graveyard.

"I'm sure she didn't mean it like that," Willow said, jumping to Buffy's defense but unable to think of an excuse.

"I'll browse for what I need. Yell if she comes in," John said. "I swear if she doesn't get the hint soon I'm calling the cops and requesting a restraining order." He vanished into the stacks.

Giles and Willow exchanged glances while Xander fell out of his chair laughing.

"It isn't funny!" Willow snapped at him.

"Yes, yes it is," Xander disagreed, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes.

"I may have to have a word with her," Giles said, shaking his head before going back to cataloging.

John came out of the back of the library with a small stack of books a few minutes later. "I need to check these out."

"You!" Buffy exclaimed as she came in the library and spotted John at the counter.

"Bad touch!" John yelled and dove over the counter.

"Miss Summers!" sneered Principal Snyder, having entered unnoticed behind her. "I've noticed a certain pattern to your behavior recently, and it's unacceptable at a place of learning. You will cease harassing Mr. Flint right now!"

John peered over the counter cautiously.

"It's alright, son," Snyder told him gently. "There may be many things allowed at this school, but sexual harassment is not one of them."

Buffy turned white and looked horrified as John gathered his books and circled around her to escape the library.

"I'll be watching you, Miss Summers," Snyder warned her before leaving the library.

"Buffy, what have you been doing?" Giles asked suspiciously.

"Trying to verify he was human, warm blooded..." her voice trailed off.

"Hey, he left his thermos," Xander noted.

"Aha!" Buffy exclaimed. "This'll prove he's not normal!" She opened the thermos and frowned. "I thought it would be blood."

"Let me see," Giles said, taking the thermos and pouring a small amount into his coffee cup. "Too watery for blood."

"It smells a little like blood," Willow offered as she examined it.

"Let Angel try it. He knows blood better than we do," Xander said, dropping a not-so-subtle reminder of what Angel was, but doing it without any overt criticism or insults, so no one could complain.

"That would probably be best," Giles agreed.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The rest of the day passed without incident, though John kept a close eye on Buffy just to be sure she wouldn't try anything.

"Nice cosplay," Andrew told him as school let out.

"Cosplay?" Jonathan asked curiously.

"Yeah, he's wearing the schoolboy outfit from Harry Potter," Andrew replied. "See the red and gold tie and Hogwarts crest on his jacket?"

"Oh, yeah," Jonathan said.

"Something happened during Halloween," John admitted. "All my clothes are either this or black robes."

"You remember Halloween?" Andrew asked hopefully.

"Yeah..." John admitted slowly.

"We have to talk," Jonathan said seriously.

 **0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"I can hear colors!" Angel declared, staring around himself in awe and tugging at his clothes.

"This is all John's fault!" Buffy groaned, as she tried to keep Angel from stripping.

Xander looked in the thermos and grinned, it was still half full.

 **Typing by: Ordieth**


End file.
